I’m DONE With Hollywood (the truth from a failed actor)

About 3 month ago, I made a decision that wasn’t easy: I decided to take a break from acting. I told my manager, I paused what seems like a million different acting gig accounts, and just stopped.

For years, acting had been on my mind. It was the thing I worked towards. Music videos gave me a taste. I spent a day being an extra on set of The First Man w/ Ryan Gosling in my early twenties. Didn’t love it, but several years later I played in some shorts that I found very fun. I spent so much time, energy, and money just to get to LA, the land of dreams—palm trees, movie sets, and opportunities. I just felt called to come here. But it’s not easy, I wasn’t really able to focus on acting until I was 29. I moved here twice in 2 years, one time being during the pandemic. It literally gutted my money, and I had to start over. Yet when I finally got here and settled, I felt like I’d made it. After taking an acting class or two, I beefed up my reel, had a talent agent/manager, started doing auditions, and even landed a few things.

But the reality of pursuing acting wasn’t what I thought it would be.

Most of my days weren’t even about acting. I had my business, music, relationships, and family—life was full of everything except auditions. And when I did get an audition, it was a mix of excitement and stress. You drop everything to prepare, hire coaches, spend money, talk to your manager, and then you wait. And most of the time? You don’t hear anything back.

The audition process moves fast, and it’s extremely draining. In over a year, I probably got about 100 auditions which is great typically, and out of those, maybe 10 were for projects I actually cared about. You rehearse for hours, maybe even days, only to realize that you don’t even care about the role. And then, after all that work, most of the time, it ends in rejection.

It started to feel like this endless cycle of working hard to make money just to pay for classes and coaches, so I could get auditions I didn’t care about and then… get rejected. It made me wonder: Is this really worth it? The circle felt insane. How bad do I want to be in The Hollywood System?

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The Hollywood System Just Isn’t for Me

Looking back, I probably should have known that this path wasn’t right for me. I’ve never been the type to do things the easy way, and I’ve always had a bit of a “fuck the rules” attitude when it comes to chasing my dreams. I literally created my entire ecosystem around giving myself the freedom to create when, where and how I want. So why would I want to follow the rigid, sometimes superficial rules of Hollywood?

Hollywood feels like a system designed to box people in. It’s a place where people go to the “right” parties to impress people they don’t necessarily care about, do projects that don’t fulfill them (for a longtime until you use that leverage to play in ones you do, and play political games of wokeness to get ahead.) I don’t want to scratch backs just to get mine scratched. I don’t want to sacrifice my values for a paycheck. I’ve never been one to stay silent when I see things that are wrong, but Hollywood often expects and encourages you to do just that. It’s not everyone or every film, but it’s a lot.

I’ve already seen sketchy situations play out. I’ve been played. I’ve been jipped. I know people who will literally say they’d do whatever it took to make it. whatever that means Use your imagination. And I know, that’s not how I live my life. And it may be why I’ve never made it that world.

I’m sure I’m a little jaded, but every time I got rejected from an audition or felt like I wasn’t fitting into the mold, I could feel this growing frustration inside me. I couldn’t help but think, Why?

To the point, where one of the last times I spoke to my manager, he told me yet another thing I needed to try to land an audition. After feeling like I’m running in a circle for year, I said “honestly I don’t think you know what you’re talking about”. Because I don’t think anyone really knows how to make it in that world. It’s not a formula. It’s a lot of luck.

Yes, I’ve been salty that I’m not the next big TikTok actor or that I didn’t land some of the roles I auditioned for. Because if I had, maybe I’d be telling a different story. Maybe I’d feel like it was all worth it and that everything was meant to be. But I haven’t, and that’s okay because it forced me to ask some important questions: Do I even need to be in LA? Does Hollywood even exist in the same way it used to? Do I want to be here? What do I actually want to do with my life and my art? Am I wasting time?

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Why I’m Taking a Break

Some of these realizations have been hard to come to terms with because I love acting. I made a video about it. I love being in front of the camera, I love telling stories, and I love creating something meaningful. But like I hinted at, I don’t love the Hollywood process—at least not the way I’ve experienced it.

That’s why ultimately, I decided I need a break.

I need to step back and figure out what I really want. I don’t want to audition for roles I don’t care about anymore. I don’t want to waste time chasing someone else’s dream. I want to focus on my own projects and create something that feels authentic to me.

I’ve done better than a lot of people trying to break into the industry, but that doesn’t mean I have to keep grinding in a system that doesn’t align with what’s important to me. I want to rebrand, to get clear on the types of projects I actually want to be a part of. I want to take control of my acting journey rather than letting it control me.

And the truth is, I don’t need to be in LA to do that. Hollywood may be a dream for some, but it doesn’t have to be mine. Despite, what I’ve convinced myself over the years. There are so many ways to tell stories, to act, to create—without having to be a part of the traditional system.

I’m constantly surprised and encouraged by the creators and filmmakers who are taking things into their own hands like Kinigra Deon who is building her own Youtube film empire in Alabama. Or people like Peter McKinnon and Matt Davella who built huge businesses off of creativity, filmmaking and photography.

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Moving Forward

So, where does that leave me?

I’m taking a break, yes. But it’s not a step backward; it’s a chance to refocus. I’m going to continue creating in ways that matter to me—whether that’s through acting, filmmaking, or other projects. I’m still passionate about storytelling, and I still believe there’s a place for me in this industry, but it’s going to be on my terms. Like I’m a 31-year-old man, I don’t want to play an 18-year-old. I don’t want to be in a Doritos commercial, though I’m sure they pay well, and Doritos I’m not fully taking it off the table. 😉

This break isn’t forever. It’s just a pause, a chance to recalibrate. And who knows? Maybe stepping away for a bit will lead me to something even better than what I originally imagined.

I don’t know what the future holds, but I do know I’ll keep creating and incorporating my acting skills into my toolbelt. If I had to guess, I’ll take the break for what it is, and be back at it in not too long. But it won’t look the same, and I am okay with that.

Thanks for sticking with me through this journey. If you’ve ever felt the same frustrations or if you’re going through something similar, know that it’s okay to take a step back. Sometimes, that’s exactly what you need to move forward. It’s been multiple months for me, and I’m still figuring out the next best move, and in the meantime, I’ve been really focusing on myself, my business, and Youtube.