by Cole

I’ve always had this internal delusional optimism that eventually no matter what something would work and I would “make it”. And I believed it. I believed I was born for greatness.

So I would always push through. Press the gas. keep hustling. Keep creating. Keep growing Keep going.

500 videos, 50+ songs, 20,000 hours later. The times I thought I’d make it by have come and gone. Another year bites the dust.

I’m tired.

I’ve done a lot. I’m not what I thought I would be, but I’m so fucking proud of myself.

And I’m changing. Constantly.

I wrote in this song Dark Circles:

dreams change, those two words bring pain. it stings sayin’, dreams change.

It’s so hard to accept that I’m not who I once was. And I don’t want to be.

That’s why I quit.

I quit chasing algorithms. I quit people-pleasing. I quit sacrificing my peace. I quit letting their opinion affect me. I quit caring about all the wrong things. I quit holding onto who I was.

I’ve dedicated my life to my art, but the irony the universe presents me is that I’ve only found success in growing my business. The older I get I realize I’m so incredibly blessed for that.

Despite the whole reason of me getting into business being to fuel my art, I’m thankful.

But my ego and pride tell me that it’s not enough. It’s never enough. 

I have to keep telling myself….I am enough.

I worry I’ve forgotten how to just be. I worry I’ve forgotten why I do what I do. Or if there is even a why anymore — maybe just the chase. I worry I’m chasing to avoid becoming who I’m truly supposed to be. And I believe I’ve found that it feels there’s only two ways to stop the worry. Keep going non-stop or stop.

I choose the latter. Because that non-stop delusional optimism leads me to burning through my inspiration, my hopes, my smile and leaves me exhausted, alone, and completely tapped out. It no longer serves me.

And It’s quite unsettling what I’ve sacrificed in the meantime.

I push off things that require true focus.

I’m undisciplined with things I’m not good at.

I haven’t dealt with my love trauma fully.

I’m a late bloomer socially.

My health / self-care is just not a thing for me.

I chase trends and spend time on things I don’t really want because I don’t always know what I want.

I’m becoming avoidant in general. with friends and beyond

And I’m fucking angry.

I’m angry I never made it.

It’s not worth it anymore to live for an algorithm, a trophy, a dollar. I’ve decided I must… let it go.

What I’m discovering after 20 zillion hours and a decade-plus of dedication is that life isn’t about what we are doing. 

I just wonder who I am without this art, without this chase, without the shit I’m doing all the time.

We now see behind the curtain of where literally the pinnacle of success brings you — over and over again. Our idols are letting us down or retreating to a ranch or finding God, or suicidal or just slowly fading back to becoming a regular person just like all of us.

What goes up must come down so what are we really doing??

I want to live. What i do daily for work or whatever it just doesn’t fucking matter. As long as I’m being, living, sharing, loving, feeling, growing.

Because I can’t really stop creating. I won’t. Even if you never see it. I can’t quit. It’s in me.

but just let me be. Fuck your algorithms. It’s not worth it anymore. 

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