Being A Hopeless Romantic Is Toxic

by Cole

It’s Not Real Love.

I wrote this the other day:

Through years of working through childhood trauma, I discovered in my mid-twenties that I crave love and stability because I never really had it as a kid. I was introduced to love by my parents rumbling through a nasty divorce and love-hating each other for a decade. That lead to me calling myself a hopeless romantic and always CHASING love.

The chase used to be my favorite part. Figuring out the formula to making a woman fall for me became an equation I was destined to solve until either I solved it, dated toxicity, or left with a broken heart.

When I solved it, usually I became uninterested. When I dated toxicity, I endured the pain of forcing love. When broken-hearted, I just longed for the one that didn’t want me.

Eventually, this hard head and harder heart realized that the “old” adage is true. No one person can make you happy…

Unless that person is you.

And love is a choice.

We’ve got to choose to love ourselves for all of our flaws, imperfections, idiosyncrasies, bodies, fantasies, and everything in between. If I truly love myself, why would I give myself anything less than I deserve? If you know your worth, why accept an unworthy partner who doesn’t appreciate what you bring to the table?

Why go through the pain and struggle for a romance that is, in fact, hopeless? It’s toxic.

In theory, being a hopeless romantic implies you are someone who is striving to create the perfect, fairytale love story. Which, hey, doesn’t sound so bad, right? It’s heart-warming, and beautiful that people like them, like us, exist.

The problem arises when this romantic is a young person with no real knowledge of what love is. The movies aren’t transparent enough with the hard parts of love. And the ones that are, well, the hopeless romantics don’t watch those.

Photo by Icee Dc on Unsplash

When you’re a hopeless romantic, you try to create a fairytale with every person you’re with. You chase. You run after them while they drive away from you. You beg them to stay. You know it can work. You know you can make them fall in love with you again.

“I’ll never give up on us,” you say.

I’m not a psychologist or therapist, but I wouldn’t be surprised if a majority of hopeless romantics struggle with codependency. Codependency for the wrong reasons. Holding on to something too long. Even though it may be killing them softly.

Love is such a beautiful thing. When chosen for the right reasons, it can blossom into a lifelong partnership. Of ups and downs. A true fairytale.

used to be a hopeless romantic. I used to proclaim it from the tops of my lungs. So incredibly proud.

Photo by Nick Fewings on Unsplash

Now, I’m just a romantic.

I will not chase you down a dirt road while you drive away. I will not lie to you and myself to pretend like we are perfect. I will not convince you to be with me. I will not change my core to be a better fit for you.

I will be me.

And if you will be you and love me. I will choose you, every day.

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